So you saw your friend’s intimate scene, what do you say?

With the rise of intimacy professionals, we’re seeing a new era of intimate content on stage and screen. Actors and creatives are taking more artistic risks, telling diverse stories, and showing more (literally and figuratively).

So what do we say when our colleagues ask: “what did you think?”

Talking about intimacy is still a taboo. We do not have a universal framework around sex, bodies, and intimacy; it varies culturally, generationally, educationally… We all come at it from our own personal experience and comfort level. So when we see our colleagues tackling this subject matter, how can we thoughtfully acknowledge this aspect their work?

How can we give support and when asked, respectfully offer feedback?

Audiences love to talk about intimate storytelling, especially if it was shocking or realistic. Chances are the performers and creatives are hearing a lot about it, even if the show had minimal intimate content. As artists, we don’t have to comment on every aspect, so first thing to ask ourselves is “was the intimacy pivotal to the show?”

If the answer is no, then our support might be better served by saying something else. Yet for shows where the intimacy is pivotal, not talking about it avoids a large reason why the art exists. Shows like Heated Rivalry, Sex Education, Dying for Sex, the storytelling is anchored around sex, nudity, and intimacy. A lot of effort, work, and craft and has gone into this part of the story.

So how do we strike the balance between saying too much or saying too little?

The goal of this post is to give us some talking points in service of better supporting our colleagues and uplifting their work. This is certainly not an end-all-be-all guide and should be adapted based on our own comfort, culture, and, most importantly, our relationship with the performers and creatives in question.

First off, the big thing to keep in mind is to not reduce the show solely to its racy scenes. When we make the intimacy the only thing we talk about, at best it reduces our friend’s work to one aspect of their craft. At worst, it objectifies them. Our colleagues are probably hearing a lot of this one dimensional speak from the press, social media, and the general public.

Instead, we can connect the context dots. When we connect the intimate storytelling to a larger context, it adds nuance and communicates the meaning we took from the performance. This also helps us not hyper-focus on the intimate storytelling as we’re always pairing it with something else. We can do that in a bunch of ways, but here’s four contexts to get us started.

The first is by connecting the intimate scenes to the greater story. How does the intimacy deepen these characters’ relationship? How does it fit in the arc of the show? How does it differ one scene, episode, season to the next? Next we can connect it to the composition. How was it made? How did the technical elements enrich the storytelling? The framing? The music? Bonus points if we can also connect that to the greater story.

The third context is the personal effect it had on us. What was the impact of seeing this type of story? And fourth, we can connect the intimate storytelling to a broader context. How does it connect to society, culture, current events, the industry, or even where does this fit in with our colleagues previous work?

Be sure to differentiate between the artists and the characters here. While a subtle distinction, this helps honors an artist's boundaries and reinforce the fact that this was the character’s journey, not their own. Remember, the general public and media do not always make this distinction. In fact, they often forget that the intimacy performed is not a reflection of this artist’s personal life. When we intentionally uphold that distinction, we respect the performance as a part of craft.

Next, let’s keep an eye out for our own personal processing. It can be very shocking and exciting for us to watch nudity or simulated sex. That’s part of the experience our colleagues are creating for audiences! That being said, we don’t have to always process this with the artists themselves (especially if we start monologuing).

This is particularly true around bodies and performing nudity. “I saw your [body part]!” while a factually accurate statement, not necessarily the most supportive one. Some artists take comments on their physiques as a compliment, and others see it as creepy and unnecessary.

This will depend on the relationship we have with our colleagues and their own personal preferences, but a great rule of thumb is to avoid talking about bodies unless specifically asked. Unfortunately, the press and general public are already making those comments, so our colleagues may appreciate a break from it.

Lastly, let’s be mindful of timing. Have they wrapped the project? Are they in between seasons? Is the production in previews or running long term? Some artists like to ask for feedback right away, others prefer to wait till a day off or even after starting a different project… We can keep this in mind when we share our thoughts, especially considering if they have to go back to work the next day.

Artists and performers hear the strangest comments about their work, including the intimate storytelling. At the end of the day, performing intimacy is just another aspect of performance. When we respectfully acknowledge it as such, we can better support our friends and colleagues in taking these artistic risks. And when in doubt, we can always take our cue from Mama Audra.